I've been struggling with how, even whether, to write about this. But why not? Like I have shame now? Like I want my privacy?
I had a miscarriage in late July. If all had not gone so horribly wrong, I would have a newborn right now. But everything did go wrong and there is no baby.
As they say, it wasn't meant to be. I've heard lots of women talk about how horrible that statement made them feel but I found comfort in the thought. Something was wrong with the pregnancy from very early on. I always felt like my body did exactly what it was supposed to do under those circumstances. Even so, it was very hard.
I've never been one to put off emotions. When I have them, I have them. And I usually have them BIG. So I went through all the crying and all the screaming immediately and came out the other end pretty quickly. I knew I would never forget, but I also felt like I was past the real hurt of it.
Which is why the emotions I've been having as my due date has approached and passed have been a little surprising to me. It's nothing like the intense pain I went through this summer. It's more like a bruised feeling. Like the calendar just pressed on a sore spot I forgot was there.
I'm glad to see February 2008 pass but I can't help wondering if the due date of the pregnancy I lost will be tattooed on me forever. Will it always be a hard month, a hard week, eventually maybe just a hard day? Will it hurt a little every year no matter how many children I have? I wonder...
Anyway, happy March. For some of you that's actually Spring! Can you sense my envy?